Cancer Diagnosis Hits Home

by Laila Yuile   http://lailayuile.wordpress.com

Toronto Maple Leafs forward Jason Blake appeared with visibly swollen and teary eyes on the sports news last night, as he talked about his recent diagnosis with a  rare form of leukemia. The look in his eyes , and what he must be feeling right now really hit home for me, and brought me back to a time when I sat in my doctors office, many years ago….

My doctors receptionist had requested I come in, as the doctor wanted to speak with me. I recently had sustained a head injury, and feeling fine, had not gone for the ordered follow up xrays. Crap, I thought, now I’m in trouble.

If only I knew how right that was.

Sitting on the little examining table in the patients room, I knew something wasn’t right the second she walked in. She was usually a very happy and friendly woman – that day,  she came in with a stern look, and did not say Hi, or even look at me.

Sitting down ,and looking at her chart, she asked me immediately if I had finished having children. Confused, I answered ” I think so, Yes, well, now I don’t know.”

” You need to go home and decide for sure, you have some hard choices to make.”

She went on , ” Your PAP test  was being worked on, and the lab called me last night and told me to get you in ASAP. They found malignant cells on the sample. “

Malignant cells. Malignant.

CANCEROUS cells. Malignant cancerous cells were in my body.

I couldn’t breathe.

Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe, and I knew she was still talking, but I couldn’t hear her. I had two kids. I started to cry and she came over  and put her hand  gently on my shoulder. I came back into myself then, and heard her say that she had called the hospital and gotten me in for further tests the next day. She explained to me how PAP tests are classified and what the possible treatments would be, but hesitated to go any further until more tests were done. She had booked me with a specialist  as well.

I walked the 6 blocks home, tears streaming down my face the entire time. I am amazed I even got home, considering my state of mind. Arriving at my townhome, I came in, walked upstairs, told my then-partner I had cancer and that I was going grocery shopping now. Of course, I wasn’t thinking with any sense right then; I was in shock. I had been told I had the C word – the one no-one ever wants to hear.

The years that followed were hard sometimes, dealing with treatments and worry, and life. At the time I was with my ex, who just made things harder. He refused to take me to treatments at the hospital, told me if I was going to die, I should have just jumped  in front of a bus to make it faster. It was hard, waiting and hoping to see a treatment had worked, only to be told, it was back, and larger than before. I was urged to have a hysterectomy, which I fought because I thought I was too young, and ended up changing specialists the day before a surgery, because he was an arrogant ass. I chose  to undergo surgical removal of  most of my cervix, which finally eradicated the stubborn disease.

I’ve been ok for years now, but eveytime I go for a PAP test, I cringe waitiing for the results. Everytime I feel a strange lump or bump, I think maybe its cancer. It’s hard thinking that your own body can be killing you slowly and you don’t even know it, and it’s hard for me to hear young girls  and women ,saying that they won;t get a pap test because its “icky”.

The hardest thing about having any kind of cancer, for me, was being told. That shock is so absolute, so intensely overwhelming because we  all associate cancer with death. It’s hard to explain to someone who hasnt had the experience.

My heart is with Jason Blake, and anyone else just finding out they have cancer. All I can say is be strong, and for those of you who havent been there, take care of yourself.

I hope there comes a day when our childrens children are learning in school about the  horrible disease that took so many lives in the past – because by then we have found a cure.

 I’m Laila Yuile and this is how I see it.